Dearest Sproutly

I want you to know that to me you are already a baby, already my child, from the moment the first wave of nausea hit me, a smile touched my lips and I didn't dare to hope that what I was feeling was real.

The first test I did was negative and then the day after the second confirmed my hope. Tears shone in my eyes and I picked up your brother and kissed him, telling him excitedly that he was going to be a big brother.

It was never too early for me to know I love you and I do, fiercely and desperately as only a mother can.

Tomorrow I will know if you are destined for some place greater than with me and I am terrified. Your father has to look after your brother and so you and I will face the news together. I feel that in the pit of my stomach, I already know that you are gone. If you are, and you never have the chance to walk the earth, have no fear, I will always be your mother and you will walk forever in my heart.

I know that I would have met you on the 4th December and that day from this moment forward will be yours. I will walk in silence thinking of only you and watch the wind breeze through the trees in the hope that you are still with me.

You are my child. I am a mother of two and both of my children will remain in my heart until the day I die.

Astonished, by what has passed over the last few days and exhausted by the waiting, today we got to see you, so small on the screen but what a wonderful flicker. Your heart beating inside of me 6+6. I am honoured to carry you and now I have hope that one day I will meet you.

How wrong your father and I were, such hope, such faith and I had almost carried you for 12 weeks, every mother prays for 12 weeks to pass safely but it seems it was not to be.

Daddy and your brother waited in the car as I sat nervously waiting to be seen, only to be told I would have to return the next day, but I knew from the look on that doctors face that you were leaving me there and then. Despite the odds, we prayed for you again.

Daddy and your brother waited in the car again as I sat nervously waiting to be scanned. Sickness creeping all over me and fear all consuming, a fear like no other. The nice lady who had shown me your beating heart before scanned me again and I could tell in moments you were gone. Worst moment of my life. You had died only days after we had seen you, 7+2 but your home continued to grow.

They led me to a private room and tears rolled down my face, an ache I have never known and cannot describe, a loss far worse than I have ever known. There is no justice in this.

We; your Daddy and me, have decided to let you leave in your own way, to let my body do what it knows best. I hope it works.

Today your father and I saw you I think, it seems so unfair, such a lack of dignity and I wanted more for you, felt you deserved more but I cannot give it to you. I'm sorry for the way you must leave this earth, I take comfort in the hope your spirit is already sitting on my shoulder watching the respect I tried to give you at the end.

I miss you already. I love you Sproutly, you may have grown wings but you will always walk with me, for each day I live, I will love you, and when I live no more I will love you still, as will Daddy. Sweet dreams my dearest angel. Sweet dreams.